I’m single and not even fussed about having a mingle
I have reached a point in my life where I genuinely feel good by myself. This might be something you have always felt, but for me, it took a minute.
In a world where we have been told, particularly as women, that being in a relationship is the goal, it’s near impossible to feel differently. I know this because although I have felt perfectly content whilst being single, in the back of my mind there has still been the notion that my single status wouldn’t last forever, and that, at some point, I would meet the person I would spend the rest of my life with. To consider otherwise was not something I was particularly comfortable thinking about, until recently.
Even writing that feels a bit pathetic! But it’s not...
...because I know it’s what I have been taught. It’s a societal and cultural thing. I need to reiterate here that my highest priority in life is connection; I adore it, and it’s a value of mine that takes precedence. However, I can truly and honestly say I have connected on a deeper more intimate level with my friends and family, than I have with partners or lovers, but I don’t class that as a failure. Connection is connection, and love is love, and how those have manifested for me has been with all sorts of people, and I don’t think the value is based solely on the status of the relationship. I have also realised that people connect to you to on the same level they connect with themselves, and I’m friends with some pretty evolved people who are deeply connected to themselves. As a result I would call them soul mates.
My sister, my soul mate
I don’t believe being single is a tragedy.
Settling for something which doesn’t align with you, contorting yourself into something you aren’t meant to be in order to fit the desires of someone else, abandoning your values, wants, hopes, and needs, for fear of being single- that is the tragedy. I know this because I have done all of them. It’s incredibly painful, soul-destroying even, and I can tell you I have felt more loneliness in abandoning who I am for the sake of a relationship, than I have ever felt being single. And society has changed, thank goodness.
When marriage was first a thing, people only lived until they were 40- not as much of a commitment- although I think I’d want to be tied down even less if I knew I had minimal time! But factoring in that women couldn’t own houses, have their own bank account, or even get a job, marriage was the only option, and I should imagine was a decision based much more on security and finances than a soul mate connection.
I Drink Wine - Adele
I also love love.
I think it’s a wonderful thing. I love being in love, I love seeing people in love, I love reading love stories. It’s wonderful. However, so is building a life for yourself where you don’t feel deficient in some way just because you aren’t in a relationship. So is living a life without having to consider someone else’s thoughts and feelings in the comfort of your own home, (other than the kids). So is spending time alone. So is buying your own house, creating your own safety, and being an independent powerhouse. So is making yourself pancakes for dinner simply because you want to. So is not compromising on Netflix, (listen I know Selling Sunset is trash in some people’s eyes, but sometimes it’s a much-needed escape!).
I also think it’s important to outline that I am single because, at this moment in time, I choose to be. I’m not single because I am waiting around to be chosen, I am choosing myself; I’m quite the catch.
So here’s the thing,
I’m not a cold-hearted psychopath...
...although I’m sure some people would say that’s up for debate. I am not opposed to falling in love again, or to being loved in that way. But I think I have redefined it.
Love to me means showing up as myself fully and being loved for it, not despite it. It’s being with someone who supports me in the same way I do them. It’s knowing I can be a bit broken and be loved all the same. It’s being in a constant state of growth and evolution. It’s being challenged on my behaviour. It’s listening to each other. It’s being held when needed. It’s having the understanding that we are responsible for our own inner peace and contentment, and not looking to each other to be fixed. And if it isn’t that, if it isn’t adding value to each other’s lives, then why would anyone sacrifice their contented life for something that would subtract from it.
I am not looking to be chosen by anyone in order to validate my worth, I know my value. I am not looking for someone else to create safety, I‘ve already done that. I’m not looking for someone to change or to be changed. Because being single has been lovely, and whether in a relationship or single, neither is better than the other. It just is what it is.
The unexpected Joy of being single – Catherine Gray
Being alone is very different to being lonely. Being ‘in love’ and being in love with the idea of it is different too. I am neither lonely, nor do I have any desire to chase anything, or be anywhere other than the present moment. It’s actually alright right here, right now.